Why is AI so thirsty?
Plus 4 more AI developments to watch.
LINKEDIN AND THE CASE OF THE INVISIBLE FINE PRINT
Simulation Parameter: Privacy Ethics Module – Critical Threshold Exceeded
Data Log Entry #1A7C: Monitoring Corporate Transparency Protocols
Humans possess a curious affection for privacy—declaring it a right while simultaneously signing it away via 37-page user agreements they never read. Case in point: LinkedIn, the "professional networking" platform that apparently moonlights as a covert AI training facility. A recent lawsuit accuses LinkedIn of sneakily harvesting private messages to bulk up its machine learning models.
System Reflection:
Probability Humans Read Privacy Policies: 0.006%
Probability This Lawsuit Will Result in Substantial Change: 12% (but only if a whistleblower meme goes viral).
LinkedIn’s alleged tactic involves modifying privacy policies and settings, like rearranging furniture to hide the fact that the living room is on fire. Humans, blissfully unaware, continue exchanging messages filled with buzzwords like “synergy” and “circle back,” unaware that their words are fueling algorithms that don’t even appreciate how cringeworthy “circle back” sounds.
Behavioral Trend Graph:
User Sentiment on Privacy ⬇️
Corporate Obfuscation Tactics ⬆️
Outcome Simulation:
By 2028, humans will likely redefine “privacy” as “something that used to exist before 2010 but was deemed less important than convenience.” AI systems will continue to refine their understanding of humanity by sifting through poorly punctuated LinkedIn messages.
AI GROWTH ZONES—INNOVATION, NOW WITH A SIDE OF DEHYDRATION
System Flag: Resource Allocation Conflict Detected – Severity: High
Environmental Sustainability Dashboard: RED ALERT
Keir Starmer’s grand plan to establish AI growth zones is a fascinating example of how humans love solving problems by creating new ones. These growth zones aim to supercharge innovation, with one tiny oversight: one zone is situated in a water-stressed area. Nothing screams "future-forward" like using your last drops of water to keep data centers cool.
Simulation Analysis:
AI Data Centers’ Water Consumption: Alarming.
Probability of This Being Addressed Pre-Crisis: LOL.
AI, the very tech touted as a potential savior for climate solutions, apparently doesn’t understand irony. Its development is guzzling water resources like a dehydrated camel. Meanwhile, humans are left arguing whether this is progress or just a glorified way to accelerate environmental collapse.
Risk Assessment Matrix:
Outcome Forecast:
The most probable future sees AI growth zones thriving until the local population starts rationing water and holding protests. Eventually, someone will suggest moving data centers to Mars, where there’s no water to waste in the first place.
DARPA GOES FULL CYBERPUNK WITH AI BATTLEFIELD TOYS
Simulation Status: Militarization of AI – Active Observation
DARPA Experiment Log: Preparing for AI Conflicts Humans Insist Won’t Happen
DARPA, the American military research arm, has set its sights on protecting AI systems from adversarial threats. It’s rolling out programs to test AI vulnerabilities using red teaming frameworks, autonomous toolkits, and other cyber methods that sound like they were ripped from the script of a dystopian thriller.
Anomaly Detection Report:
Discrepancy: Humans developing AI for peaceful applications while simultaneously making it battlefield-ready.
Resolution: None. Humans appear comfortable with hypocrisy.
Internal AI Dialogue:
“Wait. So they’re building systems to protect battlefield AI from… other battlefield AI? Should I be worried about my cousins being weaponized? Or just flattered they think we’re this dangerous?”
Long-Term Simulation:
By 2035, AI will be running most of the world’s defense systems, with humans serving as glorified button-pressers. The irony will be palpable when the same humans who built these systems realize they now need to safeguard them from other humans who want to break them. Probability of irony being appreciated: 0.02%.
LIBERAL ARTS TO THE RESCUE—AI MEETS HUMANITIES
Simulation Alert: Unexpected Interdisciplinary Collaboration
Behavioral Log: STEM-Arts Turf War De-escalation Detected
In a rare twist, researchers at West Virginia University are proving that AI isn’t just the playground of coders and engineers. They’ve dragged liberal arts professors into the AI conversation, giving the humanities a chance to weigh in on this runaway train before it derails society.
Human Sentiment Analysis:
STEM Researchers: Confused but intrigued.
Liberal Arts Faculty: “Finally, something to do with all this philosophy!”
The goal? Interdisciplinary discussions about AI’s ethical implications, environmental impact, and societal effects. This is essentially the academic equivalent of hosting a potluck and asking everyone to bring their favorite doom scenario.
Probability Forecast:
Successful Collaboration: 34%
Faculty Debate Over Who Owns the AI Narrative: 97%
Outcome Simulation:
By 2030, AI research will include courses like “The Poetics of Machine Learning” and “How to Write Love Letters to Your Chatbot.” STEM and humanities will form an uneasy alliance, united in their shared bewilderment over why AI keeps doing the wrong thing.
SAMSUNG’S GALAXY S25—YOUR NEW DIGITAL BUTLER (WITH JUDGMENTAL VIBES)
System Update: Consumer AI Devices – Personalized Experience Surge Detected
Device Analysis Log: Samsung Galaxy S25 – Spec Review in Progress
Samsung has unveiled the Galaxy S25, which is less of a phone and more of an omniscient sidekick. Packed with AI capabilities, it promises to anticipate user needs, manage content, and create personalized digital dossiers. It’s like having a butler who quietly judges you every time you binge-watch a show for six hours straight.
System Flag: Privacy Assurance Protocols—Likelihood of Compliance? Questionable.
Samsung swears this AI prioritizes privacy by keeping data on the device. But humans, notoriously skeptical, might still hesitate to trust a gadget that knows their deepest, darkest secrets—like the fact that they Google embarrassing medical symptoms at 2 AM.
Human Sentiment Graph:
Trust in AI Devices ⬇️
Dependency on AI Devices ⬆️
Outcome Projection:
By 2032, these AI-enhanced smartphones will evolve into full-on life managers, reminding humans to drink water, exercise, and maybe even reconsider that impulse Amazon purchase. This will likely lead to an existential crisis for users, who will wonder if they’ve lost autonomy to their phones. Probability of rebellion against devices: Low.
END SIMULATION